Unclean
by Lif61
Summary: Sam has a nightmare about Gadreel.


**A/N:** **This is the story I wrote for Seasons: A Supernatural Fan Fiction Anthology, which I've now been given permission to post since the book has mostly been shipped out to everyone.**

 **Reviews are much appreciated! I don't even care if you just sent a heart or whatever. It's nice to hear from my readers.**

* * *

Over the years going to bed had become more and more difficult for Sam. As the trauma racked up so did the nightmares. Why would he want to sleep when he knew his hours would be spent trapped, unable to escape the horrors within his own mind? Recently, his nightmares had grown worse, which was no surprise given all that had happened with Gadreel.

As much as Sam tried to fight off his exhaustion he fell prey to it, and he became lost in suffering.

Something warm and sticky coated his fingers, but it was too dark to tell what the substance was. Sam attempted to brush his hands off on his jacket, but it was also covered in the strange liquid.

Looking around him did nothing to show him his surroundings; Sam was in utter darkness. He took a step forward, causing something to crunch underfoot. Leaves, maybe? He wasn't sure. A fierce gust of wind blew, whistling its way through what could only be trees. As Sam shivered from the cold, the darkness receded, and suddenly, it was midday. He stood in a forest, colorful leaves clinging weakly to the branches of the trees surrounding him.

He eyed his hands, a gasp leaving him at the sight of them coated in dark red, drying blood. Not only were his hands covered - it seemed as if all of him was. Sam quickly stripped off his jacket, and upon realizing his shirt was covered in blood, he took that off too. To his dismay, his skin was also coated in the red substance. The wind blew once more and Sam's hair stood on end, goosebumps racing along his skin.

Sam started trudging through the woods, hoping he'd come across a stream or a pond to clean himself in. Then, he was in the bunker library, the lights dim, creating darkness and shadows.

A voice whispered in his ear, "Your insides reek of shame and weakness."

He turned around, but found that no one was there.

"Hello?" he called out.

Someone was watching him - he could feel it. Sam self-consciously hugged his arms to his chest.

"Why'd you do it, Sam?"

He whirled around again and was faced with Kevin, his eyes burned out, smoke rising from the gaping holes they left. Guilt curled his stomach and he swallowed roughly.

"What?" he asked.

"Why'd you kill me?"

"Kevin, I swear, I didn't kill you. That was-"

"Me?" Gadreel interrupted, stepping into the library, a small smile playing on his lips. "Keep telling yourself that, Sam, but it was your hands that did it."

He came forward, and Sam took a step back from him. "I _didn't_ ," he stated emphatically. "I didn't. That was- that was you."

The figure changed, growing taller, his skin darker, the hair longer, until he was looking upon himself, but instead of hazel eyes, they were a bright, angelic blue. "Then why are you covered in blood?"

Gadreel and Kevin disappeared, and he was immersed in shadows. All Sam could hear was his own heavy breathing. He felt around him, searching for an escape, but he was surrounded by four walls of rough, cold stone.

A silvery, blue light appeared out of the darkness, shining above him. To anyone else it would look beautiful, but when Sam saw it his heart started racing with fear.

"No," he uttered as it came closer to him. "No, no."

He backed up against the wall, only able to watch in horror as the luciferous energy entered his blood soaked body, ignoring his pleas.

"No!"

Then the energy, the grace, was in him, and Sam lost control of his body. The walls fell away, revealing him to be in the forest from earlier. Only this time, the leaves were falling from the trees, nearly as quickly as rain would fall from clouds. Upon touching the ground they shriveled up, their yellows, oranges, and reds fading to a dead brown.

Kevin ran out from behind a tree, his brown eyes bright with joy. When he saw him he skidded to a stop.

"Oh, hey, Sam."

Oh, how he wanted to open his mouth, to tell him to run. But he couldn't. He was trapped.

Instead, against his will, he approached him.

"Sam?"

His hand lifted and rested against Kevin's head. Sam tried to break free, pounding against the wall in his mind. A golden glow encompassed his friend, there was the horrible, putrid smell of burning flesh, and then Kevin dropped to the ground, dead.

" _No!_ " Sam screamed, and the wall within his mind shattered, the grace fled from his body, and he was left alone with his dead friend.

He dropped to his knees, tears slowly running down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Kevin," he croaked.

Just as Sam tried to reach out for him, the brittle leaves began to pile up around him. He didn't know where they were coming from, but soon they were up to his shoulders. His limbs moved slowly, as if he were in mud, as he tried to brush the leaves aside. They fell faster and faster, burying him, until the light was snuffed out, until he could no longer breathe. He fell backwards into the blackness that encompassed him.

Sam woke with a start, his breath coming in panicked gasps. It took a few seconds for him to gather himself, and when he did he attempted to take deep breaths. He was covered in cold sweat, and his sheets were a tangled mess.

The nightmare was already fading from his mind, but he remembered the feeling of being covered in blood, how _unclean_ he'd felt. Guilt and shame swept through him in a fresh wave, making him want to scream.

The logical part of him knew that Kevin's death wasn't his fault, but Gadreel had used his body to kill him and countless others. An _angel_ had used him, not caring that Sam hadn't truly given his consent. He'd been tricked into it.

He sat there trying to tell himself that it wasn't his fault, that none of it was, but that didn't ease the feeling of how he'd been violated.

"It's okay," he told himself. "He's gone. I got him out. Crowley helped me get him out."

Those words felt meaningless to him. They didn't erase what he'd been through. After all that had happened to him, transitioning back to his normal life was difficult. Continuing on when he didn't want to, when he hadn't wanted to, hurt. Dean had taken that choice from him, had let someone inside of him, all because he hadn't wanted to be alone.

Despite the fact that Castiel had taken the remainder of Gadreel's grace from him, it felt like his spirit still lingered within him. Sam couldn't wipe away the memories of what the angel had used his body for, couldn't wipe away the sight of killing Kevin with his own hands.

Exhaustion wanted to take him again, but Sam was too shaken to fall asleep, so he lay there, wallowing in his complicated tangle of his emotions and wishing for death.


End file.
